Monday, June 30, 2008

Infertility is a bear

Well today it is officially over.  I know it's been over and I have been trying to cope.  But now it really is.  JD contacted Shady Grove to refund our Shared Risk money.

It has been a roller coaster the last few weeks.  Despair, obviously.  Followed by a sudden determination to throw myself into adoption mode, ordering birth and marriage certificates and agency information packets.  I started drinking caffeinated beverages and non-virgin cocktails.  I stopped all supplements and anything remotely good for me ("You think you got me, broken down body?  I'll show you how it feels to break down!").  Then I started thinking of traveling, taking up running, anything I could think of that I couldn't do while doing IVF or being pregnant.

My mantra was "Fake it until you make it."  So I worked, socialized, smiled, and basically did everything I could not to implode.

I must say I was doing pretty well until we had our exit interview with our RE, whom I love.  I had a dream the night before that was strange.  In it I had a pet bear, full-grown.  It was sleeping in our bed, annoying my husband but cuddling with me.  OK, it was laying on me and was very heavy but still it was warm and soft and I dug it.  All was okay until the bear threw up in our bed.  JD was not amused and I decided I'd better put the bear in it's kennel in the basement.  As I got a treat to lure him downstairs JD got up and opened the front door.  I knew it would happen just before it did - the bear ran outside.  I ran after it.  Just as I got to him on a street corner a kid came by bouncing a ball, attracting the bear's attention.  I had a leash on the bear by this point (a Haltie for you dog-owners) but clearly it was NOT to going to stop a determined bear.  I remember thinking "Christ, whose bright idea was a Haltie?  The bear doesn't have enough of a nose to put it over."  Followed shortly by "Jesus, he's a full grown bear WTF was I thinking?"

Interpretations?  Anyone?  Beuller??  Let's take an informal poll:

Option One:
I take it to mean Bear=Stopping IVF.  I thought I had come to terms with it, the weight of it.  But, with the exit interview pending, my subconscious was letting me know this beast was about to rear it's ugly head.  And I'd realize this thing could cream me.

Option Two:
JD had a different interpretation.  He said the bear was infertility.  That I had gotten cozy with it, learned to manage the weight of it.  The dream revealed it was too much for us.

OK, so back to our story...

The RE went over the cycle like always.  Great embryos he said, best chance of getting pregnant yet (better than the time I got pregnant!).  He went on to say "I know you guys are making the decision to stop for a variety of reasons (emotional, financial, etc) but I don't think, medically, that you should stop.  I think we can get you pregnant.  You are only 37.  If you stop trying now it could be a different ballgame in a year.  Certainly you won't qualify for shared risk again.  And we'll get you all the sample meds we can."

Wow.  It took my breath away (not my tears unfortunately).  I mean, at this point we are costing them money (especially if they give us some meds).  It would seem if they didn't think we'd get pregnant, or thought probably not, it would be in their best interests to give us the heave-ho.  So "wow".

And so I want to keep trying. And I want to be a fair and loving partner to my husband who is done done done with this.  I know JD was upfront with me when he reached the end.  I know he has a 50% say in this.  I know we did the last last-ditch cycle.  I know that I could probably do this for 3 or 4 more years because I can't imagine (still) givcing up on having a baby.  And I know we could do 7 more and be right here, just the 2 of us. But good God I want to keep trying. 

And, paradoxically, I am a little teeny bit relieved it is over. I don't even like to admit that.  But it is true, just a tiny part of the truth.

In the end I left it to him.  I never asked him to change his mind (although I asked him to wait a few days).  I keep reminding myself that the marriage is more important that children.  I think this because I don't want to be a single parent, I don't want to bear anyone else's kids.  I see this child, the child that is slipping away, as an expression of our love and commitment to one another, of our marriage.  Can I damage the marriage in order to have the child?  Yes, if I knew we'd have a baby.  He'd forgive me, mostly, if that happened.  But I can't guarantee that.  And I shouldn't betray his trust, I gave him my word.  I don't want him feeling resentful and angry that I didn't keep it.

But I am feeling resentful and a little angry.  Maybe this is the second stage of grief, or maybe the question becomes can I forgive him?

Thursday, June 5, 2008


It occurs to me that although I have described my feelings as hopeless in the past, that was incorrect.  The reason I know that is that my heart feels like it may disintegrate, really just crumble away.  And I think what was holding it together, tenuously, was a small amount of hope. Why is losing that little bit of nothing killing me?

I can't be in my car without the tears seeping out, really do anything that involves solitude and time to think.  Apparently I spent a lot of time and energy thinking "What next, what can we do differently.  What meds, what protocol, what therapy will get us pregnant" because now that I know there is nothing more,  I have all this empty space in my head and my heart.  It feels cavernous and dark and I don't know what to put back.  I am so tired, I feel I have nothing left in me.  I spent half of last night wondering "What have I done that is so wrong?"  Why us, we've tried, really, to not be selfish, to think of others, to take what is given us with some grace. We have prayed and tried and tried again.

I cannot believe this is where the dream ends.  We have waited so long and I can't believe that our children will never come. That we won't be comparing feet to see if they got my side of the family's.  That I won't look into hazel green eyes in a caramel colored face, somehow a perfect reflection of us both.  I'll never feed a baby at my breast, never feel a flutter or a kick, never deliver a baby.  I'll never have a child with my husband.  I'll never be able to say "Clearly, they get that from you." 

I've avoided anger and bitterness so far but I am SO angry now.  I feel cheated and betrayed, not only by fate but by this stupid body.  This body that couldn't hang on to the baby it was blessed with and that somehow cannot create another.  What good are all the girl parts if they can't do their only job?

Seriously, how am I going to get through this?  I can't imagine looking backwards on this time, I can't imagine crossing over, even surviving it.  I hurt so much I can hardly stand it.

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Spoiler Alert

First, my HPT yesterday was negative.  My beta was scheduled for Monday which is 16 days post 3d transfer.  I called to see if we could move it, which they did, to Friday.  Then, as she hung up the nurse said, "But if it is negative you still have to take your meds and be retested Monday."  Huh?  I went to sleep at 7:30 last night and wish I could have slept until Monday.

Second, Sex In The City made me angry.  Really angry.  As you have probably heard Charlotte is pregnant with a miracle baby.  Her explanation?   She guessed that adopting let her relax enough to get pregnant, just like people say.  I know my target audience feels my pain.  I could not believe my ears.  There are SO many problems.  Did these writers not know any people with infertility?!  OK, so Charlotte's happy ending in the series was an adopted baby girl. The scene when she got her referral was beautiful and touching.

So why get her pregnant?  Is it because adoption is not enough of a happy ending?  Because real perfection is a biological child?  

And what the hell is up with that explanation?  Are you kidding me?!  Why not "We don't know how it happened", "I was impregnated by the Holy Spirit", "We did another round of IVF" or "We used donor eggs/sperm"?  Maddening.

Anyone know Michael Patrick King's email?