Monday, July 14, 2008

This post talks about my religious views, which may very well be different than your own.  I welcome comments about infertility, spirituality, family but NOT about why your religion is better than mine.  So please, bite your tongue and move on.

My parents are religious.  I admire their devotion and discipline.  They are Hindu (I am too, but not a very good one!)  They pray every morning before they eat anything, they do fasts and special pujas (prayers) for each of us.  But, after this last attempt, I asked my mom to stop praying that I get pregnant and instead pray for my health and happiness.  Two reasons...

First, it has made me uncomfortable for a while - it doesn't seem like I should be praying for a specific outcome that I want.  I try to pray for God's will and the strength to see it/get it/deal with it.  Except for a few other times (transfer day, many days during the 2ww, often at 3am) when a prayer for "please God let this embryo make it, let me hold our child, please please please God" bursts out of me.

Second, how do we move on if we are still praying for me to get pregnant?  I feel like I need to punish myself with the truth that I WILL NEVER GET PREGNANT until I really accept it. Because, although I think that is true, clearly I don't accept it.  If the road to acceptance is paved with anger, bitterness, envy and other nasty things then I may be on my way.

(Third, yeah I know I said two.  I meant two for them, three for me.  Anyway, third -  I feel kind of pissed off at God right now.  I try not to.  I don't believe God sits around saying "You, you're diabetic.  And you - you'll be lonely.  And you there - years of infertility, a heartbreaking miscarriage and then nothing.  Zip.  Zilch.  Nada." )

My mom, being my mom, said she understood and then stopped eating any meat products.  I do not believe she saw a PETA ad that really hit home.  

She then told me that my aunts and uncles decided that my request didn't apply to them , so they would continue to pray on her behalf.  Clearly she, and they, are missing the point.

My dad actually told me that he had made a promise to do a specific puja for a year, which also involves me wearing a necklace around my neck that had been blessed.  I took it off the day of my BFN.  He wants me to wear it and actually seemed annoyed when I said nope, I was done.  I did not make that promise, and even if I had I am pretty sure I'd break it.

I want to be a good daughter, really.  Because they have asked me to,  I have done more prayers and mantras and even fasts than I ever should have.  Each because "Auntie So and so said 3 of her nieces got pregnant after doing this puja" or "Hanuman Puja never fails - never!" (except for me).  The astrologers told my mother I shouldn't wear diamonds and after a lengthy argument I took off my engagement ring.  At first I thought "Couldn't hurt, might help."  Then I just couldn't bear to say no to them, to tell them none of this will work.  I am saying it now.

I wonder if part of the reason I am taking a hard line with them now is that I know it will speak to them - it's a way I can make them hear me.  I also wonder if I am doing it to make myself listen.