I can't be in my car without the tears seeping out, really do anything that involves solitude and time to think. Apparently I spent a lot of time and energy thinking "What next, what can we do differently. What meds, what protocol, what therapy will get us pregnant" because now that I know there is nothing more, I have all this empty space in my head and my heart. It feels cavernous and dark and I don't know what to put back. I am so tired, I feel I have nothing left in me. I spent half of last night wondering "What have I done that is so wrong?" Why us, we've tried, really, to not be selfish, to think of others, to take what is given us with some grace. We have prayed and tried and tried again.
I cannot believe this is where the dream ends. We have waited so long and I can't believe that our children will never come. That we won't be comparing feet to see if they got my side of the family's. That I won't look into hazel green eyes in a caramel colored face, somehow a perfect reflection of us both. I'll never feed a baby at my breast, never feel a flutter or a kick, never deliver a baby. I'll never have a child with my husband. I'll never be able to say "Clearly, they get that from you."
I've avoided anger and bitterness so far but I am SO angry now. I feel cheated and betrayed, not only by fate but by this stupid body. This body that couldn't hang on to the baby it was blessed with and that somehow cannot create another. What good are all the girl parts if they can't do their only job?
Seriously, how am I going to get through this? I can't imagine looking backwards on this time, I can't imagine crossing over, even surviving it. I hurt so much I can hardly stand it.