Thursday, June 5, 2008

Hopeless

It occurs to me that although I have described my feelings as hopeless in the past, that was incorrect.  The reason I know that is that my heart feels like it may disintegrate, really just crumble away.  And I think what was holding it together, tenuously, was a small amount of hope. Why is losing that little bit of nothing killing me?

I can't be in my car without the tears seeping out, really do anything that involves solitude and time to think.  Apparently I spent a lot of time and energy thinking "What next, what can we do differently.  What meds, what protocol, what therapy will get us pregnant" because now that I know there is nothing more,  I have all this empty space in my head and my heart.  It feels cavernous and dark and I don't know what to put back.  I am so tired, I feel I have nothing left in me.  I spent half of last night wondering "What have I done that is so wrong?"  Why us, we've tried, really, to not be selfish, to think of others, to take what is given us with some grace. We have prayed and tried and tried again.

I cannot believe this is where the dream ends.  We have waited so long and I can't believe that our children will never come. That we won't be comparing feet to see if they got my side of the family's.  That I won't look into hazel green eyes in a caramel colored face, somehow a perfect reflection of us both.  I'll never feed a baby at my breast, never feel a flutter or a kick, never deliver a baby.  I'll never have a child with my husband.  I'll never be able to say "Clearly, they get that from you." 

I've avoided anger and bitterness so far but I am SO angry now.  I feel cheated and betrayed, not only by fate but by this stupid body.  This body that couldn't hang on to the baby it was blessed with and that somehow cannot create another.  What good are all the girl parts if they can't do their only job?

Seriously, how am I going to get through this?  I can't imagine looking backwards on this time, I can't imagine crossing over, even surviving it.  I hurt so much I can hardly stand it.

7 comments:

bleu said...

I am so sorry for your pain. It is truly just tragically, immensely unfair.

Pepper said...

This just absolutely sucks and I am so very sorry.

Nishkanu said...

I have been where you are and I can tell you that it really, really, really does get better. This is not to say your pain is not real, and I am sorry you are going through it.

For me the turning point was where I realized that instead of mourning the children I thought I would have I could start looking forward to the children I actually would have, and the things that would make them special (which will not be "looks just like grandma" but will, I am sure, be just as precious to me).

You have to go through the mourning first and that is every dimension of bad, but you will get better.

Amber said...

I know it's unimaginable right now but you will find a way. You will.

sweetpeapod said...

The pain is pure torture... I wish I knew how to make it stop. I'm thinking of you. xoxo

Kahla said...

I'm so sorry, it is totally unfair and sucks. I wish I had better words.

Mr. & Mrs. M@sk said...

I'm so sorry you have been cheated out of what you truly do deserve to experience. It's just not fair.