Thanks, I'm Glad to Be Here

Thanks, all of you, for your welcome.  It's nice to know you all are out there.

It's funny, I didn't really realize it had been 7 IVFs until I started writing this stuff down.  That's not a number I ever thought we would get to.  In fact in one of my first conversations with a veteran IVFer I remember being slightly taken aback that she had tried 6 times before adopting.  It hadn't even occurred to me it could NOT work.

So here is a brief synopsis:

We started out at GWU.  We loved our doctor, not so much the staff we interacted with.  

2005

IVF#1 was here - 8 eggs retrieved, 7 fertilized, 2 transferred (see story below).  BFN.

FET#1 was at GWU also, 2 frozen embryos transferred.  BFN.

We were pretty crushed, and angry over the first transfer. We took almost a year off.  We then moved (with our remaining frozen embryos) to Shady Grove.  We decided to try transferring the last of our frozen embryos, so that was...

2006

FET#2, last 3 frozen embryos transferred.  BFN.

We then spent a couple of months getting qualified for shared risk.  I had one high FSH at that point so I was happy to qualify.  Especially since our insurance covers nothing.

2007

IVF#2 was our first whole cycle with Shady Grove.  I think we only had 4 embryos, only 2 of which looked decent so they transferred both,  BFP!  Miscarriage and D&C at 13 weeks.

We bought into the idea that because of the pregnancy/miscarriage we would surely get pregnant again quickly.  SO we did 2 more cycles in succession...

IVF#3 BFN

IVF#4 BFN

And that brings us up to date.  Looking back, I know the miscarriage (being so close!) in a strange way kept us going.  I mean SGRF got us pregnant with the first IVF.  So now we had trust in them and we knew I could get pregnant.

After the last 2 cycles we kind of realized it may not happen again.  My husband  had had enough.  He is ready to adopt.  Intellectually I agreed but it absolutely destroyed me.  I was crying in my sleep and just so sad.  We agreed to try one last time.

I took 4 months preparing.  I had a laparoscopy for endometriosis, started working out, cut out artificial sweeteners and caffeine, having acupuncture, started eating mostly organic and taking supplements.  I didn't want to look back and think "Man!  If I had taken wheat grass juice maybe that would have made the difference.  Maybe I screwed up our opportunity to have a child."

Hearing the embryos looked so good I think helps.  Obviously it is encouraging, but also if these little guys don't take then I think I could say "It really wasn't meant to happen."  God, I don't want to say that.

In the Oven

Well, I am now 2d status post 3d transfer.  Yesterday we reported to the clinic to learn we had 4 good embryos (Grade I) and 2 others they volunteered no information about.  Interestingly, the doc greeted us with "Well, it looks like you had another good cycle."  It seemed rude to point out that we do not have a child, just 7 good cycles under our belts.

I was glad I bit my tongue when he apologized for keeping us waiting.  "Not everyone had the good results you did, and it always takes longer to break bad news than good."  It was a good perspective to have.  I have tried several times to talk myself into seeing the silver lining (at least you can pursue IVF, at least you have a husband you can lean on, at least you have gotten pregnant before...now I add at least you have always made it to transfer, although there were some very close calls).

We thought about transferring all 4 because, as you have no doubt realized, this is our last try and maybe we should just cover all bases.  But the kind RE convinced us that transferring 4 increased the rate of triplets by almost 100%, from 8% transferring 3 to 15%.  But it only increased our pregnancy rate by a few percent. Funny, when we started we were petrified of having twins.  Now I think, hey we could make triplets work!

Once that decision was made, my feet in their all too natural position and my belly covered in goo the mild panic I feel at the time of transfer briefly broke through my pleasant valium induced haze.  I think I suffer a form PTTSD, post traumatic transfer stress disorder.  

My very first IVF cycle, nigh on 3 years ago, was a great one right up to the time of transfer.  I didn't really understand how it was supposed to go and that ignorance was bliss for a few minutes.  45 minutes later, when a second doctor tried to cram a catheter through my bloodied cervix and many more people had crowded into the room, all "reassuring" me that this was not the way it was supposed to go, I had an inkling that this was a disaster.  They tried with my bladder full, partly empty, and empty. They paused to let my cramps die down.  They brought in a different doc, a different ultrasound tech.  Finally they breached the cervix and transferred the embryos.  2 perfect Grade I eight cell guys.  Who, I realize now, never had a chance in hell.

And I kick myself for trying to be so cooperative, for gritting my teeth and saying I could take it, thinking that I had to be calm and cooperative if I wanted that baby. The me of today would say "Get the fuck off me you morons!"  And "Why didn't I have a mock transfer that you say you always get prior to the real transfer, what makes you think a bleeding and cramping uterus is a good place for those embryos, put them back in the lab, see if they make it to blastocyctes and give my poor beat up cervix a couple of days to recover."

Instead innocent me smiled, said Thank You, and was truly surprised I didn't get pregnant!

Since then I have had several mock transfers, a cervical dilitation and a stitch place in my cervix at the time of each egg retrieval.  Transfers still hurt a bit for me but only for a second and they take one or two minutes tops.  And the new and improved transfers involve no bleeding or cramping!  Once all 3 were safely ensconced we came home and both slept for 4 hours.  And so we are once again in the purgatory known as the 2 week wait.