Sunday, May 25, 2008

In the Oven

Well, I am now 2d status post 3d transfer.  Yesterday we reported to the clinic to learn we had 4 good embryos (Grade I) and 2 others they volunteered no information about.  Interestingly, the doc greeted us with "Well, it looks like you had another good cycle."  It seemed rude to point out that we do not have a child, just 7 good cycles under our belts.

I was glad I bit my tongue when he apologized for keeping us waiting.  "Not everyone had the good results you did, and it always takes longer to break bad news than good."  It was a good perspective to have.  I have tried several times to talk myself into seeing the silver lining (at least you can pursue IVF, at least you have a husband you can lean on, at least you have gotten pregnant I add at least you have always made it to transfer, although there were some very close calls).

We thought about transferring all 4 because, as you have no doubt realized, this is our last try and maybe we should just cover all bases.  But the kind RE convinced us that transferring 4 increased the rate of triplets by almost 100%, from 8% transferring 3 to 15%.  But it only increased our pregnancy rate by a few percent. Funny, when we started we were petrified of having twins.  Now I think, hey we could make triplets work!

Once that decision was made, my feet in their all too natural position and my belly covered in goo the mild panic I feel at the time of transfer briefly broke through my pleasant valium induced haze.  I think I suffer a form PTTSD, post traumatic transfer stress disorder.  

My very first IVF cycle, nigh on 3 years ago, was a great one right up to the time of transfer.  I didn't really understand how it was supposed to go and that ignorance was bliss for a few minutes.  45 minutes later, when a second doctor tried to cram a catheter through my bloodied cervix and many more people had crowded into the room, all "reassuring" me that this was not the way it was supposed to go, I had an inkling that this was a disaster.  They tried with my bladder full, partly empty, and empty. They paused to let my cramps die down.  They brought in a different doc, a different ultrasound tech.  Finally they breached the cervix and transferred the embryos.  2 perfect Grade I eight cell guys.  Who, I realize now, never had a chance in hell.

And I kick myself for trying to be so cooperative, for gritting my teeth and saying I could take it, thinking that I had to be calm and cooperative if I wanted that baby. The me of today would say "Get the fuck off me you morons!"  And "Why didn't I have a mock transfer that you say you always get prior to the real transfer, what makes you think a bleeding and cramping uterus is a good place for those embryos, put them back in the lab, see if they make it to blastocyctes and give my poor beat up cervix a couple of days to recover."

Instead innocent me smiled, said Thank You, and was truly surprised I didn't get pregnant!

Since then I have had several mock transfers, a cervical dilitation and a stitch place in my cervix at the time of each egg retrieval.  Transfers still hurt a bit for me but only for a second and they take one or two minutes tops.  And the new and improved transfers involve no bleeding or cramping!  Once all 3 were safely ensconced we came home and both slept for 4 hours.  And so we are once again in the purgatory known as the 2 week wait.

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